Often a divorce is given to women hard, plunging into apathetic or vice versa, an aggressive-hysterical state. But after all parting with her husband can easily survive, remaining happy and confident. How to avoid psychological injuries during a divorce?
Why, despite finding the desired freedom, life after the divorce turns into an even greater hell than the divorce itself?
When a divorced person passes through 4 stages on the road to recovery:
Stage 1. Acute pain
Duration from 2 weeks to 2 months.
Characterized by a sense of hopelessness, loneliness, self-pity.
Stage 2. Adaptation
Duration from 2 to 6 months.
You start making plans for the future, smiling again. You can talk about a partner without bitterness and resentment, stop feeling like a victim, start to notice other men.
Stage 3. Recovery
Duration from 6 months to a year.
This is the time when you again become involved in life, start thinking about a new love, restore peace of mind. You can talk calmly with your ex-husband, look to the future with optimism, you are less likely to be remembered. Also you can really assess the reasons for the divorce and draw conclusions so as not to repeat mistakes in the future.
Stage 4. Normalization
Duration from 1 year to 2 years.
You stand firmly on your feet, get rid of the pain, a new social climate, new friends, and maybe even love, is formed around you. There are new habits, you learned lessons from past mistakes. You rarely remember the former chosen one and are ready for a new love. You like your new life.
But how do you get through these stages as quickly and painlessly as possible?
If you don’t have enough …
Feelings of guilt and social stereotypes
Counters of bookstores are full of books on the conquest of men, fashion magazines are full of headlines telling how to marry and keep a husband.
Tips for men are reduced to how to drag a woman into bed and become a hero-lover.
Thus, the media are a reflection of long-established stereotypes in our society: a woman should be married, otherwise something is wrong with her.
A woman should save her family, by all means. And the only duty of a man is material security.
And therefore, even if family life does not bring happiness, a woman protects the family hearth with all her might. To be divorced is bad, it means to be a failure.
As a result, if the family disintegrates, the woman starts blaming herself. The idea that people are simply incompatible does not occur to her.
Also, a woman feels guilty because she deprives her children of her father. She comes to the idea that it was necessary to save the family for the sake of children.
What to do?
First, remember that you do not owe anything to anyone. And your only duty in this life is to be happy.
Any relationship involves interaction. And if something in the relationship went wrong, then all parties took part in it. Love is reciprocity, not interdependence.
Secondly, remember that much more harm to the children you inflict, continuing to live in an unhappy marriage.
Children always feel responsible for the unhappy life of the pope and mother, they believe that they are to blame for what happened.
If there is no love in the family, the child will feel unhappy. If he sees that his mother is loved and happy, then he will grow harmonious and able to love and express his feelings.
We broadcast our emotions to children, and therefore in families where the unspeakable resentments and anger hide under external well-being, the most unhappy children grow up-they do not know what love is, they distrust people and are not able to express their feelings openly.
How to fill the void?
Despite the alienation, there is still a strong emotional connection between the former spouses for a long time-and not only pleasant memories can bind them.
Often the former spouses share the strongest emotional claims and the desire to avenge the ruined life.
Each meeting turns into an exchange of grievances, angry accusations and accusations.
Of course, the best way out of this situation is to meet as rarely as possible with a person who causes such a storm of emotions, otherwise the recovery will last a very long time.
Moreover, the more you hate the ex-husband, the more difficult it will be for you to start a new relationship.
And if you have to meet with your husband on weekends, when he takes the child, then in any case you will have to learn how to cope with your emotions, otherwise life will turn into a real nightmare.
What to do?
First, you need to let go of past relationships. While you are emotionally attached to them, a happy future does not threaten you. Forgive your husband, forgive yourself and move on.
The sooner you do this, the sooner in your life there will be positive changes.
If you do not get rid of negative feelings towards your partner, then automatically transfer them to your new relationship, and worst of all, in your relationship with the child.
One of the good ways to part with the past is to express your feelings. It is not necessary to tell your husband everything that you think about him when you meet.
Write him a letter. Include in it all their claims, resentment, anger. Be sure at the end of the letter to thank the partner for all the good that was between you.
Then burn this letter and develop the ashes in the wind with the words: “I release my past and say goodbye to it. I forgive my husband and forgive myself. “
If you depend on your husband financially
Change of habitual way of life
Previously, you associated with your husband all your hopes and dreams, you used to rely on him, gave all your energy to the family, now in life emptiness was formed.
The more you lived together, the longer this stage will pass. Despite finding the desired freedom, you feel unhappy and lonely.
Now you don’t know what to do with your freedom. It seemed that now, at last, you will take care of your business. But in fact it turned out that you have no business at all …
You often cry from self-pity.
What to do?
- Get rid of everything that might remind you of life with an ex-husband. Throw away all the trash from the apartment, or even better – make repairs. With these simple actions, you will begin to create your new world.
- Be busy all the time, and this should be not only working and household problems. Be sure to carefully plan your leisure time, first writing down your plans in detail. Include meetings with friends, visits to places and events that you enjoy.
But don’t tie your business to communication, because friends can not always make you a company, and because of this it isn’t necessary to sit all night at home in melancholy and sadness.
Think of things that you can do yourself. Perhaps at first it will not give you any pleasure, but do it automatically, as if it’s your duty.
Such planning will help build your life on your own, not including your ex-husband’s plans.
- Take care of yourself: eat better, go in for sports, massage, go to the salon, change the image. The better the body feels, the sooner psychological stability will come.
- Understand yourself, analyze your mistakes, so as not to repeat them again, and also understand what you really want in this life. Most likely, for this you will need the help of a psychologist or special literature. Use this time as an opportunity for self-improvement and moving forward.
- Think about who except the husband could help in the implementation of your plans or in solving domestic issues. Surely there are people ready to help you.
- Set new goals in your life: a new position, a specialty, a hobby, learning languages, etc.
Learn to enjoy yourself and life, regardless of whether there is a man with you.
If in a marriage you are completely dependent on the husband, then besides the emotional problems, you will inevitably have to solve the material problems. If there is a marriage contract between the spouses, then it regulates all property issues in advance. And if you do not have to wait for help?
What to do?
Take responsibility for your life and start looking for work after divorce.
Take into account the fact that it will not be very easy, so be prepared to show patience and perseverance. Go retraining or additional training, if necessary. Tell all friends and acquaintances that you are looking for work. Perhaps you will be optimistic that many successful women have become so after the divorce.
Having become the only breadwinners in the family, they discovered talents and abilities that they did not even know about. The difficult situation forced them to show energy and perseverance, which subsequently led them to the peak of success.
Remember the main thing: parting is not the end of everything, but only the end of one stage in your life and the beginning of a new one.
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