When one stage of our life comes to a logical conclusion and is replaced by a new one, most of us don’t go to the next level, continuing with our hearts and souls in the past.
We torment ourselves with memories, weep for lost love, or we revise photos of a happy youth, just brushing aside what lies ahead of us. Desperately clinging to the affairs of the past years, we don’t allow ourselves to live in the present, nor move into the future.
Even if now it seems to you that something in your life has ended completely at the wrong time, broke off in half, take one thought – in fact it’s not. If something comes to an end, it comes just when it’s needed. Yes, it’s possible that in a few years the past will remind you of itself and even become part of your life again, but at the moment there is no better outcome for you than to say goodbye to him temporarily or forever.
Still, if the loss of someone or something you are very hurt, it is better to give yourself time to suffer, then to enter a new life emotionally healthy person.
Of course, someone has two weeks to recover from the loss, but, as a rule, there is no question of a full recovery in this case. People simply block negative emotions, memories, plunging headlong into work, other activities or new love, but then this lockdown will subside, and all that they so carefully concealed will necessarily trip them up.
WHY WE DON’T LEAVE THE PAST
1. We don’t want or cannot change.
We understand that life requires from us constant changes, the ability to adapt to circumstances, to work on ourselves. Sometimes we just don’t want to do it, and sometimes we are so tired that we don’t feel the strength to make an effort and at least to change a little. That’s why we are starting to remember the happy past, which, it seems to us, was ideal for us. Or, on the contrary, we blame the past in our present impotence, repeating: “I have experienced so much all that is now completely broken.”
2. The past is clear and understandable.
Past love lies before us like in the palm of your hand: we see all the mistakes made, remember all offensive words and at the same time enjoy thoughts of happy moments. But the new feeling frightens us – it’s a completely different person, it needs to be recognized anew, go through all the stages of “grinding in”, which have already been passed with the former. Besides, thinking about the past, we forget about our fears for a while, because everything that could scare us yesterday, was already frightening.
3. We take offense at people from the past.
Going over in my head the moments of an unpleasant event, when one of your loved ones hurt you, you intentionally keep an emotional connection with the offender. A woman rejected by a man may even feel that she still loves him, but in fact she is guided only by resentment. No wonder the offended ladies often ask not “why did he leave?”, But “how could he do this to me?”
4. We feel guilty.
And don’t necessarily blame yourself for having hurt someone and saying offensive words. Often people feel guilty directly in front of themselves, believing that they broke a bunch of firewood, didn’t say in time what was needed, didn’t defend their own point of view, and because of this their lives went somersault. However, this game of self-blame doesn’t benefit anyone – neither to you, nor to someone you may have offended.
HOW TO SAY THE PAST “FORGIVE”
1. Don’t hold back the pain.
If you want to scream – scream, cry – cry, beat the sofa with a pillow – beat. Do everything that will help you to relieve the emotional tension, without overstepping the scope of the law, of course. Don’t try to suppress negative emotions.
As we have already said, you will not be able to simply silence your pain, sooner or later it will appear before you in all its glory, and then it will be several times more difficult to cope with it.
2. Tell us about what’s bothering you.
A friend, mother, a psychologist, a piece of paper, a blog on the Internet – to whom and anything, you just need to speak out. Let the flow of speech be incoherent, let you jump from one to another and then cry, then laugh – you just need to find someone who can support you.
3. Try to forgive.
If you can not let go of the thought of the person who has offended you, then try to forgive him. Of course, in words everything sounds much easier than in practice, but it’s worth trying to release old grievances – with such a load it will be very difficult for you to move forward.
4. Correct the errors.
If there is no way to ask forgiveness from those to whom you have hurt, act differently: switch your attention to other people who need your support.
5. Switch attention.
Self-pity is selfishness. When you cry, with your nose in the pillow and ignoring everyone and everything, you behave very selfishly. You should admit that half of the experiences that you have taken on yourself are fabricated. Imagination is a very terrible thing, because it has no boundaries, and now you are a living confirmation of that. Maybe instead of reveling in self-pity and experiencing non-existent problems, it’s better to call your mother and find out how she’s doing?
6. Break the connection.
Various trifles cause millions of associations in our minds. It’s no wonder that after a break with a man, you can not walk for some time in those places where you used to be alone, or listen to the music that was once “yours”.
You can not – and don’t. At first try to avoid traumatic memories, but when the pain subsides a little, go over his gifts and throw away those that don’t represent practical benefit, but only make it more painful. As for music, try to give it a new meaning. Heard “your” song to the cafe? Tie her not to the former lover, but to this beautiful evening, when you are surrounded by close friends.
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