10 common myths about married life, which many couples take as truth.
Myth 1. Similarity and kinship are the permanent basis for long-term relationships.
Many spouses believe that equal views on life, interests, principles are a prerequisite for living your whole life with your partner.
But in fact: the relationship and some conditional identity of a man and a woman is certainly important at the stage of entering into a relationship. This gives a common basis on which it is possible to approach and build joint plans for life. However, the family is a dynamic system, and in the matrimonial life, at a certain point, there is a need for differentiation. And it turns out that it is very convenient and interesting to live, for example, in a complementary pair, when different or even opposite traits of partners perfectly complement each other and enrich the marriage!
Myth 2: Everything must be done together and divided equally.
The exaggerated idea of equality between a man and a woman underlies the construction of relations on the principle of “partner marriage”.
But in fact: The role and rights of men and women are indeed equivalent in marriage, but the exaggerated idea of equality doesn’t take into account the individual characteristics, needs and desires of each. And then, for example, there are superheids from the category “Once I get up at 7 am, my husband doesn’t have the right to sleep before lunch”, “If I immediately take my dishes with me – then the spouse should do the same.” The family system is arranged in such a way that there is a lot of symmetry and asymmetry in it. And the device by the principle “in marriage everything should be parallel and perpendicular” makes the conjugal union rigid, unable to adapt to the individual characteristics of each. And then one or both partners may have a feeling of stiffness, tightness, depression. Often, the unwillingness of the spouse to “share everything equally” is perceived by the partner as depreciation, loss of interest and respect. And then it turns out not the union of two different, but loving people, but externally the “right” family in which everyone feels lonely.
It’s important to respect and take into account the individuality of each spouse, and then the system itself will flexibly distribute: whom to take out the garbage, who to wash the dishes, sit with the child, etc.
Myth 3. “We have enough of each other. You can manage a good relationship in a couple, closing the boundaries of the family from everyone and preserving your love forever! “
Each pair goes through certain stages of development, and the first phase of the merger, when the couple can not breathe one another, and no one else needs them, is romanticized and idealized in literature and cinema.
But in fact: the stage of the primary merger is over, and if the partners continue to live the myth “I am you, you are me, and no one needs us”, then this union gradually turns into suffocating, heavy dependent relationships in which aggression and it is inevitable in any relationship!) will be suppressed and sooner or later will result in some kind of dysfunctional symptom: lover / mistress, illness of one of the spouses or the child (the most common variant), alcohol / drug / gambling / food addiction of one of the family members . Hard boundaries, as well as their complete absence, is a sign of dysfunctional relations.
Flexible, adaptive boundaries allow spouses, preserving love and intimacy, to live not only inside the family, but also beyond: to spend time with different people, to visit, to visit parents, to let in friends for a while and even (horror-horror!) admitting sometimes flirting with other men / women. It is also important to clarify the discontent with the relations with your partner, without turning small, unclear claims into a large lump of pent-up aggression.
Myth 4. The relationship that was at the beginning will remain as good forever!
This myth intersects with what was written above, but it is worthy to be singled out. Of course, many of us want that love never ends, and the relationship continues to please bright colors and butterflies in the stomach without any additional effort.
But in fact: an idealized image of conjugal love and the absence of school disciplines in family life is a disease of our century! Today, young people rush into the relationship headlong, hastily build marriages, and as soon as the honeymoon passes – disappointed and ruin alliances. Alas, in our today’s society, the obvious truth that good relations are the result of working on both of these spouses is absolutely unpopular! Yes, the idea that it is necessary to work over relationships, is devoid of romanticism and is far from the lyrical ideal. But you can jump all your life from one relationship to another, “picking up cream” of the honey period, but then you need to abandon the illusion that in this way you can build a strong marriage for many years. Now even the concept of “serial monogamy” has become popular – when a person does not betray their partners, but simply changes them often, repeatedly marrying their lives.
Myth 5: You can live in a long marital relationship, without disappointing in each other.
But in fact: The highest degree of maturity of partners and an absolutely necessary condition for a long happy conjugal union is the need to live disappointed in the wife, staying in a relationship. Alas, disappointment in the wife is inevitable, because idealized in the beginning, the image of the “prince” or “princess” is a real living person, living side by side. And then suddenly it turns out that “my husband did not reach the heights that I expected from him, he doesn’t provide me as much as I would like”, “my wife is not a smiling beautiful creature, but a woman with mood swings, and her character is not always perfect, and it doesn’t always look like 100%. ” The point of disappointment in a partner is the most frequent reason for divorce.
It is important to have great courage to openly meet with frustration in a partner, live it, stay in a relationship, creatively review one’s requirements and vision of each other – then and only then you can build a lasting good conjugal union. And as a bonus, you will be grateful to the spouse that he accepts your features and will necessarily discover in him features for which you will love his new, real and living “Nepinets”.
Myth 6: “We are together, we are free people and we will be able to build something that will differ from the models of our parents.”
But in fact: unconscious absolute negation of parental models leads to the fact that the couple, in principle avoiding the patterns of the parents’ families, eventually reproduces them in their marriage. Here, the key to breaking the vicious circle is awareness. Only an honest analysis of both the weak and the strong points of the parent relationship allows us to find and appropriate successful “recipes” from the model of the parent family (and they can not be). And then, relying on this resource already in its relations, the couple can build something authoring.
Myth 7: We will build a marriage as good as that of the parents of one of the partners.
This myth from the category “My husband is from a good family, and my was not very, so we will live as his parents do”
And actually: About absolute negation of models of the family read above. There are no “good” and “bad” family models in absolute terms. Each family has its own resources and its dysfunctions. And the dependent tendency (ie unconditional reproduction of the parental model) is as dangerous as the counter-dependent one (that is, to build one’s family according to the principle of negation “just not as they do”). This is a false dilemma, but the truth is somewhere in the middle.
Myth 8: “Our family should be better than the sister / brother / girlfriend / friend”.
It often happens that the couple seems to be “looking back” at the families of their surroundings, and is fighting for primacy in the rating “the best family of the year.” Here it is possible to carry a myth about a constancy of passion and sexual relations.
But in fact: the share of competition and competition is a very good resource in order to keep oneself in good shape. However, problems begin when the spouses suddenly discover that their marriage in some way loses the marriage of friends or friends. And then there comes a total devaluation of relations, according to the principle: if we are not the best, then everything is bad for us. And the couple unwittingly begin to dig into their pair, looking for problems. And if you dig a lot, you will certainly dig up something.
Or another variation is possible: sexual relations are an excellent ground for mythology and a good way to depreciate oneself. If in a couple at some moment sexual relations become less regular, especially against the background of friends’ stories about their “super-duper passionate sex in different poses and situations,” then the pair may have an avoidable sense of shame for their sexual imperfection. And since the topic of sex is very intimate and for someone painful, then discuss what is happening the couple are not daring, gradually moving away from each other.
In this case, it would be good to ask the question: “Does it suffice for us?” And then it may turn out that the couple now need it so much, it’s so convenient, it’s good for them that the activity of their sex life is now not off scale, and they can rely on their own desire. It may also be that one of the partners now needs more sex than the second. And this is also important to clarify, in order to find together a flexible solution.
Myth 9: There are good and bad roles in marital relations.
For example, “I don’t want to be a mother for my husband / father for my wife!”, “If the husband is sitting with children in the family, he is like a woman!”, “If a wife makes a living in the family, then this is the wrong family.”
But in fact: the absence in our society of the necessary educational training in the field of family life puts young spouses in a situation where they can rely only on the stereotypes and cliches that society dictates to them. And then any bias in family roles is perceived by spouses as a deviation from the norm. And the couple lives for a while, perceiving themselves as an “abnormal family”, then most often comes a divorce and a search for a partner that will match the general stereotypes.
In reality, the more couples have freedom in choosing different roles, the more flexible it is. The main task for the spouses is to reconsider their needs, determine their benefits from the roles they occupy and find their own creative solution. And then suddenly it turns out that her husband, for example, is comfortable to sit at home with children, and his wife likes to earn and feel successful, and sometimes it is important for them to play with each other in their mother’s daughters, playing the role of a parent or child. And the couple are damn happy, and they don’t care about public stereotypes!
Myth 10: My partner is good, if he meets all my needs.
All that I need, I can get in a family relationship.
And in fact: Yes, it’s fine when partners can give each other a lot. Yes, the family is the place where a person can get something that he will not get anywhere. But it is important to realize that even when you meet the partner of your dreams, you will not enter paradise, and most of your personal unresolved internal problems and fears will not disappear as if by a magic wand. Each person has his own way and his own responsibility to go through it, overcoming internal resistance. A good partner helps you make your life better, but he can not go that route for you. And even being in an ideal marriage (and such does not happen), it is still impossible to solve all of your problems only through a partner.
It is important to make the family such a background, where everyone can meet their individual needs and develop, based on their desires.
Dear and respected spouses! Talk to each other more often, find out each other’s desires and needs, look for ways of creative adaptation and choose to live the way your couple likes!
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